The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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