theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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