did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
