Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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