i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
