so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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