I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
