did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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