he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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