The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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