the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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