some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
