I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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