dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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