my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
