I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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