my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
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you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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