I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
