I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
