turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
