your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
