the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
