I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
