I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
