watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
