I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
