last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
