I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
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Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
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In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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