I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
