Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
