We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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