We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
