when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
