So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
