My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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