I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
