ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
