My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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