If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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