your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
