Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
