Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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