he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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