She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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