last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She made me pour olive oil on her.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
