What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
