I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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