Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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