I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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