idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
