Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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