My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
