Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
