my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
