Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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