Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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