And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
