Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
