She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
