hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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